Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
I'll have the tofu, bean sprouts and a mineral water
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their
mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was hard work for his advanced years as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up th at garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Vinnie
At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
Holiday Gifts for an Optimist and a Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was to hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was to loud, the other claimed the volume had to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist; the other was a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, one Christmas their father loaded the pessimist’s presents with every imaginable toy and game, The optimist’s gifts were loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his gifts crying bitterly “Why are you crying” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all the instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries and my toys will eventual be broken” answered the pessimist.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing with joy in the pile of manure, “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." 